Through Her Mother's Eyes

When my daughter was dying in hospice, I knew we had such little time. I also knew that I could not take her to all the places to see all the things I, Luis and my other children had seen, so I went and bought huge sheets of canvas, taped them around her room and started painting scenes of things we had seen. We played noises of the Serengeti as we painted and talked about the lions, we talked of swimming in the Mediterranean as we painted the sea, so many things we painted all over the room. we read a lot of stories of the places depicted in the pictures. The nurse came in every week, she watched as we did all of this, she encouraged it, she said she was an outsider looking in as our family journeyed from one place to another in that bedroom.

Then Elly died. September 11, 2003 she died in mine and Luis arms. I left the paintings up in her room as the equipment company came and picked up small pieces of Elly's life here and there. I left everything in place as the nurse came to go through and pick up the things that could be donated to someone else. She then told me that there was a silent auction going on to benefit children in hospice. She thought it was too soon to approach me, but if I wish to donate one of Elly's paintings in her memory, it was two weeks away. I told her I would think about it. I never thought they were good enough. I had always painted for pleasure only, the fact that others would see my work was very scary for me.

Three days before the auction, I called. I asked if it was too late, and it wasn't I was told. I took a paintbrush that afternoon and painted Elly's name in every one of the paintings. She inspired my work, she should be a part of it. I gave one of my paintings the next day, still a little wet and told them Elly's name was buried somewhere within. I would reveal where it was the night of the auction. I really did not expect it to bring in much, but it was a tribute for my daughter.

The night of the auction came, and as I walked into the room I felt uncomfortable. My daughter had been dead all of two weeks and I was somewhat emotional but held it together. I walked around looking at all of the things that were in the auction and even bid on a few. Then I stopped to look at my painting, a small picture of Elly stuck in the corner. It would be gone in a few hours, forever lost. As I stood there some women came by and I listened as they told my story to one of the other ladies there. They told her how a mother took her dying daughter around the world with her paintings. They told her of Elly's name being in the painting. They looked for it. No one found it. Then one of them proceeded to tell me the story. No one knew I was the mother of whom they were speaking. This happened many times through the evening and I was thrilled that Elly's story had been told over and over. Everyone knew Elly though they had never met her.

Time came for bidding to end. I had not really paid attention through the evening at how much the painting was going for. They started naming off winners and much to my surprise my painting was the most coveted thing in that room! That painting went for 2,400.00! Then they revealed the painter, me. The room fell silent, no one knew the painter had been there all along. They asked me to come forward and tell my story of Elly. As I walked to the podium, I heard thunderous applause. As I turned to face my audience I saw that I had my first standing ovation! It was invigorating! I gave a very short speech and left the stage. I donate a painting every year now, whether I am there or not. I have been their guest speaker a total of 6 times over the past 9 years. Word of Elly spread all over the state in which we lived. people would actually seek out my paintings. I had a few gallery shows in Little Rock. I never went any further than that. I have sold a few over the years, but nothing has ever felt as good as donating them to causes I find worthy. All I ask is that they tell my Elly's story. I am still amazed at how many lives have been touched by a little girl who saw the world from her bedroom. The inspiration of a little girl who taught us the true meaning and feeling of LOVE! If you click on the picture, it will enlarge, look close below the back leg of the female lion and you can see Elly's name. There are other paintings, I took my little girl every where I could in that bedroom. She saw the world through her mother's eyes!

Fuck U.S. Customs and Border Patrol!

Fuck them all! What, do they take a class called "Being an ass to all American citizens 101"? I think they not only take it as a class, I think it is a year long course and they award prizes to those who come up with the nastiest, most sadistic ways to harass and terrorized U.S. citizens and anyone else they can get their hands on at the border. I think they specialize it it!

Let us not forget, it is our tax dollars that pay their salary. Let us not forget that I have tried like hell to be nice to them, I am finished being nice. "I am not required to be nice to you lady." he says, well heads up there fuckhead, I am not required to be nice to your either! Put a cork in it and do your search and send me on my way without the nasty remarks about who I am married to and what a loser he must be, he is more of a man than you will ever be pencil dick!

I understand them stopping and asking required questions as I cross into the U.S. but when I am crossing back into Mexico, I will leave that up to Mexican Customs to do their job, trust me, these guys do not need your help you self righteous bastards!

EVERY TIME I cross over approx. 8 of these wannabes surround my truck as if I am some drug lord. Never mind they saw me cross yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and everyday since then. They ask, "Do you have more than $10,000. on you right now?" Now I ask, if I had that kind of money, would I be living in this cesspool we call Nuevo Laredo? REALLY? Use some common sense! "Why do you live there?" Because my husband lives there. "why does he live there?" because he is a MX citizen. "Why are you married to him?" Here is where it becomes weird for me. I so want to answer "Because he has a huge dick!" but I don't. I really do not know how to answer that one. Why am I married to him? Because I love him. So their next question, I shit you not, is "Why him?" I answer, "because he is better than you! Are we finished yet?" Now I am told that I am being rude. One man leans into the window into my face and ask, "Are you getting mad?" Mad?! You mother fucker, you have not seen mad!!!! I take names, oh yes, their names are on their badges and if they are not, I ask. I report every one of them. If they can not remember me driving over that fucking border everyday, then they will remember me as "That bitch that reports every move we make" and you can bet I will! You will be sick of me, hate me by the time I am finished. You will be glad to give my husband his green card just to get my ass out of Nuevo Laredo and away from you.

Why do I live there? well pencil dick, let me tell you, if you silly shit would not keep deporting, or making laws impossible for our spouses to live with, we wouldn't fucking HAVE to live there! Maybe I want to live there, ever think about that?! I think next time I will take the 'Leo approach' and start asking them questions.

"why are you going to Mexico?"

"Why are YOU going to Mexico?"

"Have you got over 10,000USD?"

"Have YOU got over 10,000USD?"

"Where do you live?"

:Where do YOU live?"

Let's see how they feel being asked the same questions over and over again. I mean, they have heard my answers 100 times over! Looks like they would know me by now. must be fun to harass the white, handicapped, woman. Yes, they actually told me they pulled me over every time because I am white. They find it odd that a white woman would choose to live in MX. "That's OK, I find it odd that a Mexican would choose to betray his own people for a country that will never appreciate him, so I guess we're even." For that my husband also says "FUCK YOU!"

A Young Man's Voice!

I wonder if politicians think about the fact that OUR children will be voting in a few years? Wonder if they realize HOW our children will be voting after being put through the immigration crap they have been through concerning their parents? Maybe they need to start thinking ahead! I ask this because my 17 year old son wrote an amazing letter to ALL politicians:

"We come in numbers to the polls, children of those you threw out. We come in numbers to say 'NO MORE'. No more will you rip our families apart. Now it is OUR turn, and we will rip you apart at the polls, every election, every time. We will be heard!"

I give you this part of the letter because it is my favorite. He writes with conviction, love, desire....

I implore politicians to listen up, for the voters of tomorrow are quickly growing up, they are pissed and ready for you! They are not the type to lay down and just 'take it like a man' or 'be a good little lady!' they are ready to whip your ass! I see it every day, the protest, the marches, the post..etc..I can feel that something big is going to happen in my son's lifetime, I believe they will be the change. I think when they are ready, politicians who are weak, and ignorant and greedy should tuck their tails and run for the hills! This is not your mother's generation, this is generation "CAN DO" and I really think they can and they will. Be careful, our children are coming of age, they know who the bad guys are, and are prepared to fight you at the polls. They will be the next in line for that spot in law school, they will challenge you, they will win because they do not have greed in their hearts, they have desire and passion! They have the desire to go home with ALL of their family members, they have passion to make things right for their families and desire and passion wins over greed every time. Be careful, you just may be the next King Louis and Marie Antoinette and come next election, you may find your proverbial head on the chopping block. Scared yet? You damn well should be!

So many tears...

I do not know what to say. I am scared, hurt and dumbfounded. We lost our sponsor who was going to help Luis come home. Our way out of Mexico, my way back to medical help. I am scared. I wonder what kind of future my children have, I wonder what my future will be? With no education my children, who mean everything to me, will be doomed to live a life of poverty. We have mulled over every option. If we divorce, I lose the love of my life and still can not go home. I have no money and no help with the children. If I stay here with the kids, my children receive no education and live in a dangerous place, and I have no medical care for the ongoing issues for which I am dealing. If we put our children up for adoption in the U.S. and go our separate ways we have done exactly what we were trying to avoid, ripping our family apart. So I set up in the dead of night and mull this over. I hold my girls a little closer these days. I really do not know what our future holds, whether our family will stay together or if we go our separate ways. If I were in better health, I could at least move my family to a border town and work in the U.S. to make sure my family makes a decent living, if only I were healthy. My mother would be so heartbroken. I am so heartbroken. I type through tears that seem endless. It is so hard to imagine that just two years ago we were and average middle to upper class family living in a nice home and we were happy and healthy. I was happy, Luis was happy, our children were happy. I loved life. If it were not for the fact that I would be leaving the very people I love so deeply and leaving him, who I love and would never just leave hanging, I would just curl up and wish to just fade away.

As it stands I will go lay in my bed and get whatever sleep I can, it escapes me most days now with all the worry, and I will hold my girls a little closer tonight, I will say "I Love You" to Luis and I will hope that something, somewhere will work out for us so we can remain a family. Thank you U.S Immigration who "strives to keep families together". Thank you for ripping mine apart at the seams.

Why Do We Home School?

I have been asked for years why we home school our children. We are a secular family and most home school families are Christian. I am happy to see the secular home school groups sprouting up all over the United States recently. Have you seen the state our public school system is currently in? Our math and science is sorely lacking, as is our grammar! Very few students can remember what they are taught from week to week, once they pass that test, the slate is wiped clean. I am a product of public schools and I think it is safe to say I had four very good teachers who inspired me and pushed me to do my best in my twelve years of school. I never really learned anything in school during those years, most of my learning came after school when my father and mother would take time through out the evening to talk to me, read to me, tell me about history, show me how math is used in the real world. I wish home school had been legal back when I was young. My years spent in school was spent in complete agony. I was constantly in the bathroom hiding out from emotional bullies, more days then not I could be found somewhere crying. I hated school, and worse, it hated me. It wasn't enough I got it from a lot of the students, but some of the teachers were emotionally abusive as well. I decided I would not put my kids through that. Twice my son was enrolled in public school, both times it was a nightmare, for him and us. The first time the teacher refused to let my son go to the bathroom and he came home daily with urine stained underwear. Then something major happened, he started defecating in his pants. Seems the teacher had made it a point not to let him go, and he held it day in and day out that he became impacted! He was referred to a gastroenterologist who told me it was a common thing among teachers and it made her angry to no end. He was on medication for a year before it was straightened out, and still suffers ill effects of that first 6 months in 1st grade many years ago. We filed a lawsuit against the school district and the teacher. They settled out of court, paying all of his medical bills and medications as well as monetary damages. The teacher told me what a huge mistake I was making when I pulled him, I would never be able to home school. How wrong she was! I had as much, actually more education than she did, I had his best interest at heart, I could not possibly do any worse than the public school did with him. We tried again in high school only to watch him fall further behind, or repeat what he had already accomplished.

I bought secular curriculum, same as you find in the public schools, and got busy. We found home school social groups, co-ops, and nearby universities who offered extras such as science lab, classes in robotics, speech and drama, and world history. We had him in Earth Scouts, drama classes and art classes at the local Art museum, and 4H and Irish dance. He took years of Taek won do. We taught him music and let him play in sessions locally so he could learn about his favorite music. We went on field trips both as a family and part of our home school group. We contacted universities and asked for dvd's of professors who gave lectures on subjects on which we were covering. we traded "tutor time" with other parents who had expertise and degrees in areas that we did not. I would teach their children Languages and world history, they would teach mine Algebra. It was a well rounded education. If he was interested in a subject, we could let him run with it, spending more time on it and then we would move on.

Socialization was an issue until we realized or children's social skills far outweighed their public school peers. They could socialize with people of all ages, carrying on an intelligent conversation with a 40 year old, or a 10 year old. We had more socialization than public school kids, because we had more time! when you home school, you find that you do not need 8 hours a day to teach all subjects, and that learning is an ongoing process and goes on long after the books and workbooks are put away.

My kids are read to on a regular basis. they are encouraged to help build things with their father, using that opportunity to give math drills, to cook in the kitchen with me or dad again, using math skills. They learned to balance a checkbook, and do their taxes before the age of 10. They love to read and our little ones are just as likely to read you a story as they are to ask for a story. Our older son is involved in reading classics right now, and is animated as he describes what he thinks the writer was trying to say. He is very aware of the political goings on in the US and around the world and is free to form his own opinions. I like the way this is going, I am glad we decided to go the route of home schooling. Now when people ask why we home school, I can sum it up in just a few sentences:

We home School because public education, as currently implemented, is designed to systematically drive the joy of learning out of children as early as possible: tedious homework; fixed class periods that are rarely just the right length for learning the material; disjoint subjects that obfuscate the relationship between information and useful real-world applications; stressful tests and quizzes; segregation by age and ability; severely limited selection of potential friends, typically 12 years of the same group of 30 kids; limited control over such basic functions as when to awaken, eat or urinate; KIDS SITTING, for HOURS. It's amazing anyone learns anything at all, despite this contrived, convoluted, Byzantine environment. I admire teachers, but they are just as limited and victimized by the strictures of the system as students. The only moderately legitimate purpose school appears to serve is to warehouse children during the day, so parents can work more hours, thereby facilitating payment of school taxes and summer camp bills.

Enough Already!

Just an FYI, my father was a baptist minister for over 20 years, and managed to NEVER molest any child. In fact, he was a wonderful father that gave me a perfect childhood, and treated my mother like a queen! I know many men in the ministry who are fabulous people. Are they mislead? you bet. Do I think they are misguided or brainwashed? yes indeed! Not all of them are all hell fire and brimstone, and not all of them are greedy money hungry power whores. I know many who have given their own money to help others. These people would have been good people whether they were christians or not because they were just good hearted and good natured. I have many family members that are genuinely good people at heart, and I guarantee you that when a child molester is found to be present in a church, they are just as angry, disgusted, and sick about it as we feel. To generalize all of these people in the same category is the same as saying ALL Mexicans are lazy, or generalizing any other ethnic group, or organization we do not like. It is the same as saying all atheist are hateful and spiteful toward religious groups, or all atheist are devil worshipers (as if!) I see a lot that is wrong with religion, but I see a lot that is wrong from many atheist too. I know that the prisons are filled with far more christians than atheist, I realize there are many crooks among the christians, I also make no apologies for feeling that christians are needy or gullible, otherwise they would not buy into the BS much like fat people buy into the 'lose weight overnight' scheme, or the poor are always chasing a 'get rich scheme'. But when something is said about pastors in general, I feel it is a slap in the face to wonderful people like my father who gave his time and money helping others, and I feel I must remind that these people are not all bad, after all, not all pastors, not all christians, are child molesters and not all atheist are the epitome of goodness and wholesomeness.

I knew this person for 6 years, we had a causal friendship through work. One day the topic came to church and she asked where I attended. I told her I did not attend anywhere because I am an atheist. She was shocked! She said "But you're so nice, and giving, I would have never guessed?!" At that point she realized Atheist does not = bad, hateful, or spiteful. I like to win people over by letting them get ton know me and seeing for themselves that we are indeed good without god. I have won more people over to my way of thinking this way than I ever could have by cutting them down and being nasty to them. Do we need to be firm on our position on government and political issues? you bet we do, but we can be firm without being nasty and disgusting. I have never needed to be loud and offensive to get my point across and have learned that that is an automatic turn off. Let them look like an ass, I refuse. I have far more respect for those who can keep their cool and 'one up' their foe with wit, charm and facts than I am am with the Sam Kinnison "in your face bull shit" I mean, isn't that what turns you off about christians? the "in your face, shove it down your throat" crap?

A Phone Call to Immigration.

I swear to my big toe, this is the phone conversation between my daughter and the Department of immigration concerning her husband this morning. It is sad, they do not know their own laws, they are pretty stupid at best and very confusing as well as confused.

IO: "If the I130 is approved then you file an G- 325 for each of you and an I864 as well as an I485 and I 765

, but if he was detained you will need form I601, and you need form I212, and well as form A11 since you moved out of the country."

Heather: "but he had been approved for his paperwork."

IO: "Oh, he already had paperwork? then you will need form I765, A11, and if you want to expedite, you will need form xxx, as well as biographical information and form xxx and form xxx. Now, if you get approved for all of those forms, you will need to get to the processing consular, be sure you take your medical processing form and forms Ixxx, Ixxx, Ixxx, Ixxx and your money for your medical exam and your paperwork as well as pictures of you and your husband fucking so we can see the marriage is real.(OK, I added that part, but they do want pictures of the happy couple together. I am tempted to send them the X-rated stash I have, bet they would never ask for pictures again!) See, it's easy!"

:/ SHIT!!!!

Heather: "so I sent in my AR11 but it doesn't matter because the paperwork was approved therefore the address can not be changed. so, how do I get my mail from immigration?

IO: "Oh, immigration doesn't have your paperwork anymore."

Heather: "well, where is it? "

IO: "oh, we do not know."

Heather: "well how do I find out where we are in the process? "

IO: "oh, you don't because you never responded to our last letter."

Heather: "I didn't get your last letter because you wouldn't change my address! "

IO: "yea, but that's a good thing because he was APPROVED!"

Heather: "so what now? "

IO: "well, we had to destroy the letter of approval because you never responded to the last letter we sent out."

Heather: "but you wouldn't change my address once he was approved."

IO: "yea, but he was approved, and once you're approved, we are not allowed to change the address."

Heather: "so where is my paperwork? "

IO: "we don't know Mrs Mendez, because he was approved!"

PHONE CALL # 2

Heather: "what immigration number do I put down on form I864?"

IO: "YOUR immigration number."

Heather: "but I am a U.S. born citizen, I don't have an immigration status number."

IO: "You have to have a immigration number."

Heather: "no, I am a US born citizen."

IO: "I don't understand what you are saying."

Heather: "really? You don't? Why am I not surprised by this? Every time I call, I get a different answer. No one understands any of my questions, no one can tell me where my paperwork is located. Tell me, which kindergarten did immigration raid to find employees?!"

IO: "You do not have to be nasty."

Heather: "no ma'am, I do not. I haven't been. you want to find me ONE PERSON who works there that knows anything about where my paperwork is, or what we are suppose to do next?"

IO: "ma'am, I can't. we are not lawyers, we do not know anything."

Heather: "no truer worlds have been spoken."

hangs up.

and Americans wonder why there is a problem with illegal immigration?! Just give me a tank and let me ram down the effing fence! I understand why people just swim over!

Immigration...In Mexico!

So I have seen the crap floating around on Facebook "Let's adopt Mexico's Immigration Laws!" Really want too? I am fine with that myself. I went to the Immigration office here in Mexico last Friday and today I am a holder of an FM3 status and have my curp (Much like a social security #) it took all of one week. Yes, I agree. Let's adopt Mexico's immigration laws. While we are at it we can adopt their open arms policy of granting status to the spouse of Mexican citizens without a lot of red tape and bureaucratic bullshit! Now excuse me while I go work on my husbands 3 thick files that require 3 separate appointments and many more documents than U.S. Immigration will ever be able to look at to make any fast and easy decision. It will take at the least one year at the most 5 to get my spouse to the U.S.

No wonder the US Immigration system is in the crapper, they make it difficult on themselves as well as US citizens families with all the red tape, paperwork, and appointment juggling. It is the most inefficient, disorganized mess I have ever witnessed. First this place gets this file, then that place receives file #2 then it all goes to place #3 and fill out forms I130, DS230, I864, I601 and if you live in the states add forms I486 and EAD form. and pay an amount for each form. Are you confused? So is US Immigration! They don't know whether to wind their butt or scratch their watch!

I walked into the ONE immigration office here in the town in which we live, filled out ONE form, turned in a copy of my last 3 bank statements and a copy of my American passport and paid 130.USD. and within one week I was given my legal status. Now, I have to ask the U.S. one question: You mean to tell me that a 'third world country' has whipped your ass in this department? come on, you can do better!