So many tears...

I do not know what to say. I am scared, hurt and dumbfounded. We lost our sponsor who was going to help Luis come home. Our way out of Mexico, my way back to medical help. I am scared. I wonder what kind of future my children have, I wonder what my future will be? With no education my children, who mean everything to me, will be doomed to live a life of poverty. We have mulled over every option. If we divorce, I lose the love of my life and still can not go home. I have no money and no help with the children. If I stay here with the kids, my children receive no education and live in a dangerous place, and I have no medical care for the ongoing issues for which I am dealing. If we put our children up for adoption in the U.S. and go our separate ways we have done exactly what we were trying to avoid, ripping our family apart. So I set up in the dead of night and mull this over. I hold my girls a little closer these days. I really do not know what our future holds, whether our family will stay together or if we go our separate ways. If I were in better health, I could at least move my family to a border town and work in the U.S. to make sure my family makes a decent living, if only I were healthy. My mother would be so heartbroken. I am so heartbroken. I type through tears that seem endless. It is so hard to imagine that just two years ago we were and average middle to upper class family living in a nice home and we were happy and healthy. I was happy, Luis was happy, our children were happy. I loved life. If it were not for the fact that I would be leaving the very people I love so deeply and leaving him, who I love and would never just leave hanging, I would just curl up and wish to just fade away.

As it stands I will go lay in my bed and get whatever sleep I can, it escapes me most days now with all the worry, and I will hold my girls a little closer tonight, I will say "I Love You" to Luis and I will hope that something, somewhere will work out for us so we can remain a family. Thank you U.S Immigration who "strives to keep families together". Thank you for ripping mine apart at the seams.